


I hate how much I love it

by shalashaska



Series: Love is War [1]
Category: Constantine (2005)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angry Sex, Angst, Awkward Kissing, Biting, Blood, Demons, Denial of Feelings, Dominance, Dysfunctional Relationships, Hate Sex, Internal Conflict, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Rough Sex, Tsundere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2015-05-06
Packaged: 2018-03-28 17:47:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3864022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shalashaska/pseuds/shalashaska
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John has a hard time admitting his feelings.<br/>Who can blame him? This guy had literally put him through hell...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> Rated E because the next chapter will be indulgent smut...

Balthasar had a demeanour which could be intimidating, or seductive. The way his eyes scanned over you slowly, and the slow, teasing nature of his walk. When it came to him, it was hard to tell whether he was trying to threaten you or tempt you. Whether he intended to do this or not, it was confusing and unfair.  
Half-breeds usually had this kind of mysterious air about them, but why was it so different with him? Why did it matter so much?

“You're not smoking anymore, Johnny boy.”  
John scoffed and tilted his head. “I quit. Do you still insist on calling me that?”

He followed the other man with his eyes as he circled him, like a predator closing in on him. A predator in a fitted suit and Italian leather shoes.

“You don't hate it, do you?” his foot steps were made louder by the silence that filled the bowling alley and the echo of the high ceiling. They were almost haunting.  
“Of course I hate it. It's ridiculous.” John quickly changed the subject, looking up to make direct eye contact with the half-breed, who now stood still about four metres away from him. “I thought Gabriel had sent you back to hell where you belong. What are you doing here, wasting my time?”

“Oh, Johnny boy... I missed your charming comments.” Balthasar gestured and sarcasm spilled from his every word like sickly sweet honey. “Since the man downstairs was kind enough to forgive me-”  
John cut in, smirking to himself. “Kind? Not the first word I'd use to describe the guy...”  
Balthasar cleared his throat, refusing to acknowledge Constantine's rude interruption. “Since he was kind enough to forgive me, I have been given another chance.” 

This time he made one step towards the other man, who was mostly dressed in black, as usual. Now that he was closer, Constantine noticed that he was again rolling that coin over his hand. It was irritating, mainly because it was so mesmerising. It was as if he was trying to hypnotise others by doing it, and that if he stared too long, John might be put under a spell.

His eyes fixed on Balthasar's hand, he looked puzzled. “You too? He must have been feeling extra generous lately.” 

Continuing slowly towards him, Balthasar looked him up and down. He always did this, and it made Constantine feel uneasy. He could easily defeat Balthasar and he had done so before, but somehow he still felt vulnerable against this man. Not physically, though. It was something else.  
The silver coin stopped, as he rolled it into the palm of his hand and slipped it smoothly into the pocket of his navy blue suit jacket.

“Mm-hmm...” He was much closer now, only a few steps away. His eyes snapped back up, and their eyes met again. Stopping directly in front of him, Balthasar finally spoke. “I was rather hoping you would be happy to see me again.”  
“And why the fuck would I be happy to see you, half-breed?” John stood his ground, but he felt a lump in his throat as he spoke.  
“Johnny boy, you know exactly why.” John caught a glimpse of the unearthly glow in his eyes for a moment. “It's blatantly obvious, and you haven't hidden it well.”  
“Hidden what? I don't have time for your games, Balthasar.” He sneered slightly, as he was starting to run out of patience. 

Balthasar smiled a knowing smile when he realised that John wasn't even aware of himself. “It's obvious that you want me as much as I want you, Johnny boy.”

John felt something cold rush through him. This definitely wasn't true. Why would he want such a person? How could he possibly love someone who literally put him through hell? This man did nothing but torment and tease him.  
And he could never admit how much he loved it.

He coughed awkwardly and turned away from the half-breed, diverting his gaze towards the ground. “And what makes you think I want you, you half-breed piece of shit?”  
“Now, Johnny dear. You don't have to deny it.” Balthasar took one more step towards him, so that the leather of their shoes almost touched. “I can see right through you.”

Stepping back almost frantically, John shook his head with a stubborn frown on his face. He couldn't admit it. He could never be with Balthasar. This man was his enemy. What kind of idiot falls for the enemy? A cloud of shame loomed over him and he felt that he would die of it.  
Balthasar was responsible for the death of a close friend, and yet he was in love with him. Disgusted with himself, he remained silent and tried his hardest not to make eye contact.

Then, he felt a hand stroke his cheek. “It's alright, John. I'm not going to hurt you.” Balthasar chuckled teasingly and closed the gap between them. “I'm not letting you go this time.”

Suddenly he grabbed onto the lapels of Constantine's long dark coat, pulling him just a few inches closer and pressing his lips to his ear. The sudden contact of Balthasar's kiss was electric, and John felt his face heat up with embarrassment. He was letting his enemy do this to him, and it was ridiculous and stupid.

“Come on, John. Say something.” Hearing Balthasar call him by his actual name made his heart race and he hated it. He planted another kiss on John's jawline, and then his neck.  
“Damn you, Balthasar.”  
“Not quite the response I was hoping for, but you haven't asked me to stop.” Balthasar petted Constantine's black hair and gently turned his head so that his lips hovered close to his own. “Does that mean you don't want me to stop?”

That was it, John had finally had enough. He couldn't just stand there and let this demon mess with him. Pressing his hand abruptly into the small of Balthasar's back, he pulled him in for a kiss. The half-breed let out a strange little sound, surprised by the human's sudden show of dominance. He accepted it, closing his eyes and letting his hands rest on Constantine's shoulders.

The warmth of the touch was exhilarating and it felt completely right, even though they both knew that it shouldn't be. Although Balthasar seemed less worried about that. Of course he didn't care. He was a demon, and did not know regret or shame. John secretly wished that he could be this carefree, so that he didn't have to feel sick with himself.

When they eventually pulled apart, Balthasar smiled. “So, is this a confession?”  
John smirked. “Confession? Sure. Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have been seduced by evil.”  
Balthasar rolled his eyes at this and sighed. “Not that kind of confession...”  
“Fine, so maybe I do want you. Some strange, fucked up part of me wants you.”  
“There, was that so hard?”  
Constantine silenced him, pulling him in for another kiss. This time, he slipped his tongue into Balthasar's mouth, and the half-breed allowed it, moaning softly as he felt it slide over his own.  
John was seeing a new side to him, and he couldn't honestly say he didn't like it. Balthasar was now submitting to him, and he hated how much he loved it.

Pulling away to catch his breath, Balthasar locked eyes with the exorcist, who again saw the strange and beautiful glow in his eyes, brighter this time. “J-John, we should... go somewhere more...”  
“Somewhere more private?” John wasn't sure if he could let this go any further. “I don't know if we should.”  
“John, you want me. You said it yourself.” There was a hint of desperation in his voice, as he was growing impatient now.  
“I know, and I do.” Pausing for a moment, John sighed. “But... it's not right.”

Balthasar groaned with frustration, grinding his hips. Feeling something hard brush against his leg, Constantine flushed again.

“Who cares?” he was fed up of waiting now. “Look how hard you've made me. Aren't you going to do something about it?”  
“Balthasar, if you talk like that I'll...”  
“You'll what, John? You're torturing me.”  
“I won't be able to hold back.”  
“You think I want you to?” There was a hint of a growl in Balthasar's voice.

Fine. If he wanted it that way he was going to get it. There was no point in trying to stop it.  
Balthasar yelped in surprise when Constantine grabbed him by his collar and began walking him towards the hallway behind the lanes. He dragged him up the stairs, and down the corridor that led to his apartment. The half-breed was silent as he allowed himself to be steered. He didn't mind being treated this way. Somehow it made things more exciting.

Balthasar wasn't given much time to take in his surroundings as he was tugged roughly past the antique dining table. Constantine did not stop until they had reached his bed.


	2. Conflict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so here's your porn you pervs...  
> Not that I didn't enjoy writing it though.

God, he was so fucking infuriating, but so damn sexy at the same time.

Now John sat straddling him, and he loosened his slim black necktie, grinding painfully slowly onto Balthasar's hard arousal through layers of cloth.  
“J-John, take them off... please.”  
“Well, since you asked so nicely.”

The half-breed watched him remove his tailored black trousers and return to his former place on top of him. He reached out as John finished undoing his tie and slid his palm over the soft cloth of his briefs. He heard the exorcist's throat hitch but then a hand quickly snatched at his wrist, stopping him.

“What do you think you're doing, half-breed? Hands to yourself.” Balthasar groaned in protest but gave in, returning his hands to rest either side of him.

As he took them off, Balthasar's unworldly eyes were fixed on him, glossing over with that tinted glow. Constantine opened one of his nearby solid oak drawers, producing a small plastic bottle and coming back to hover over the demon on his bed. Why he chose to keep his shirt on, unbuttoned and hanging loosely from his body, neither of them really knew.

Balthasar watched as John un-buttoned the front of his trousers and was about to say something, until dark eyes shot up at him and he swallowed hard. The coldness of the lube shocked him, causing him to inhale sharply. Then when he felt John's hand touch him, he was lost.  
“Mmm, Johnny boy...”  
“I hate that stupid name, Balthasar.”  
“J-John...”

He straightened his back, and lowered his hips so that he was positioned directly above Balthasar's throbbing erection, which he steadied below him with one hand. 

The half-breed watched mesmerised as he easily inserted two lubricated fingers. He must have done this many times before. Something in his stomach sank at the thought of Constantine being with other men before him, but did it really matter at this point?

“W-Wait, John...”  
“What, you change your mind or something?” John hissed at him.  
“No. Forget I said anything.”  
The head had slipped in without much difficulty, but once he was halfway down, John found that he had to wiggle slightly to keep moving.

God, why did he have to be so huge? Were all half-breeds this well-endowed or was he just freakishly large? John eventually sat so that his thighs rested on Balthasar's hips, and he stopped there.  
“John?”  
“Just wait, okay? Fuck!” It took a while for him to get used to it. His insides burned.   
Balthasar chuckled. “It doesn't hurt does it?”  
“Shut up. Of course not.”

He lifted his hips, holding himself up by leaning back onto his hands, and pushed down again. Balthasar threw his head back and let out a long, low moan. It still hurt, but somehow he didn't feel like stopping. 

He continued to move himself up and down, taking the entire length of Balthasar's shaft with every thrust. The demon below him was lost in ecstasy, and he grabbed John's thighs without thinking.

“B-Balthasar I said don't fucking touch-” His voice hitched as the half-breed thrusted into him, harder now. He threw a hand over his mouth to hold back his screams. 

John had lost control so easily, that it was almost humiliating. Teeth sank into his shoulder and he realised that Balthasar was gripping his legs hard enough to bruise.

“Y-You... Fucking...” It was hard to speak now. Droplets of blood began to seep through his flesh from where he had been bitten, and Balthasar let go of his now reddened shoulder.

“What was that?” He couldn't respond, and Balthasar knew it.  
“B-Baltha...sar... Damn you...” Somehow he managed to speak through gasps of confused sensation. He didn't know what hurt or what felt good anymore. It was all the same.

When the demon released inside of him, filling him with hot, sticky seed, he cried out one more time. As John rode out his orgasm, the two of them did not speak anymore. Once they had both caught their breath, John dismounted the half-breed and sat down next to him in silence.

“Um, John?” Balthasar was confused when he remembered what had happened. For one moment, the exorcist had been enthusiastic, possibly even dominant and demanding. Why was he so quiet now? “Are you embarrassed? How cute.”

“Shut up, Balthasar.”   
“You weren't unwilling, John.”  
“I said, shut up.”

When he heard the clatter of the doorframe and was sure that the half-breed had left, he lay back onto the bed. He felt violated, but why? He had chosen to do that anyway, and he had enjoyed it, so why did he feel as if he had done something awful?

Then he remembered, this guy was a demon. He remembered what Balthasar had put him through. He remembered the exact reasons why he had hesitated. He remembered how he had just thrown that all away.

He rolled onto his side, felt something cold drip onto his thigh, and let go. It surprised him that he even had any tears left to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emotional conflict heck yeah!  
> Please leave kudos if you liked it.   
> (^ - u -)^ ~<3


End file.
